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Sometimes I Just Can't Sleep

About an hour ago I felt my body having a war of three tribes...

My father's tribe with their Druidism and Celtic ways...

My Mother's tribe with Persian influences and Egyptian magick...

This "other" tribe...feral bloodline that I call the Jaguar...which extends into both sides of my family. Recent savages bred in to old blood. I remember the tribes of this land...the Americas...I remember these most vividly (or at least this is where my mind is interested most). Plains Indians of the Americas, Mix-tec and Zapotec Indians of Mesoamerica, and even as far back as the great migrations from Asia...Mongolians...

These ancestors roll around in my joins. They crawl up and down my spine. They live in the TREE that is ME.

One throws a spear from the branch of my shoulder down to his opponent who hides at the roots of my tree near my hips...

These people fight...these genetic memories have their wars and have it out for each...just like my birth parents.

My Father...the racist and prejudice SKY FATHER who was taught by his FATHER and his FATHER BEFORE HIM.

My Mother hiding from the labels of who she is. Hiding in the Earth...covered in mud, with a deep dark tan...covered in sand from the winds of the near eastern deserts.

They are transplants...those places that my parents (my parts) come from...

But the Jaguar remembers me...they hunt me...perhaps they will win my focus.

Our focus...this communal focus that is me.

I choose that tribe...that form...nearly three hours ago my body attempted the transformation..again.

It obvious didn't fully work. I am still up as a testament...writing this whilst i writhe in pain.

I can think like the jaguar man...I can see like the jaguar man...but still I have dysfunction...i can't sleep in the arms of the world tree, or run through the jungles with the grace of the other cats...yet.

I will try again...before I turn 25

...For it has been too far long since i felt like i belonged...too far long since i slept in your arms...


by V. Wak Ek Balam

************************

Friends,

At least now i know that Great Spirit and the Spirits of the Plant Teachers can perform healing miracles. While I have not healed my strange war of opposites and "oldness" of body at the age of 24...i or rather Great Spirit have tackled some daily problems with much success. The alchemical experiments on me tonight have thus far proven effective...meaning i was becoming ill now i am well...my immunities restored.

But of course in this alchemy something must be traded to catalyze such a miracle...

I am wide awake now trading sleeping time in addition to trading a journey to my body, my pains, restlessness, and current discomforts. I mean ouch...my leg muscles hurt bad.

Of Course, the upside of the pain is that I am well (not having a cold/allergies) and that I am AWAKE (at 3am) and inspired to write.

Let's go back...about one month and a week...back to an Ayahuaska experience that i had. This medicine was something i imbibed of two nights in a row and on both nights, i seemed to have the same reaction/remembrance:

My teacher/shaman was holding space and he was playing the flute...i am not sure which type of flute but i know that the native american flute style would be a good guess to what it was...plus it was dark and i didn't have the human eyes to see the flute.

So he was playing this flute and moving around the room and it seemed like his playing took on some higher pitches and some sharp sounds. Both nights the flute playing didn't occur until later in the evening...at least 3 hours into the medicine journey.

Both nights (but more so the first night), the flute sat me up and it was as if the music drew energy up my spine and through my center...my body very much felt like a snake/cobra being danced or charmed by a flute player like videos i had seen.

(oh i wish i could be a snake charmer, like at balboa park for special weekend events...i would make soooo much money...:P)

Anyways, i sat right up on the first night and the music instantly possessed me and somehow (it seemed mysterious but he prolly just saw me sit up) my teacher comes over and starts playing right in front of me...sharp noises and lot's of wind moving in and out of the flute.

I felt this feeling of swirling...and upwelling...and i saw this vision of "my people" (i guess a past life of a tribe that i was living in) and they were a lot like Siberians or Inuit Indians all dressed up in fur to stay warm. They were under hardship...like a winter. These people, my tribe, were freezing cold and hungry or rather resource starved.

My emotions gathered in intensity as i observed others of my tribe (PEOPLE I KNEW AND LOVED) running to their yurts to escape the snowy windblown night. I felt the feeling of being cast out from the cities where other tribes lived. I felt that we were exiled...perhaps not good enough...or even the "wrong" race. All of this separation, desperation, and suffering rose up in me and possessed my body.

Suffering...suffering....suffering as the flute player drew close and spun sharp sounding noises

I grabbed my bucket...

...i had to feel around for it because it was both dark and my vision (my eyes) were so full with the scene of the storm, the cold, and my tribe living in the yurts.

I took the lid off the bucket and threw up...hard

And again...and a third time...and at least one heave in between.

Having thrown up what seemed like more than i put in...i covered the bucket with it's top and set it aside...

I felt amazing. I felt that i had let go of "ALL THIS SUFFERING" and offered forgiveness in the space that was left open after the letting go.

I don't know who or what i was forgiving but i like to think of it as some-part of myself.

For the next hour during that night of ceremony...i sat and watched and listened intently as others received their healings...and made their offerings.

What doesn't serve us, we are bound to Cough UP and OUT, if not in this lifetime then the next.

Namaste,

Yogi Trevahr
Alchemist and Shamanic Priest

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